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Zakk Wylde 2010: Cry of the Wylde- An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters
Chief Crazy Captain Christo decided in 2009 that this would be the Year of The Great Pumpkin 2010. So all you sleigh riders and jingle bell jinglers can step aside this year. 2010 here we are and here we are going to rock. Without pissing off the Pope, I give you the most important Pumpkin Letter ever written ( to date there are a little over thirty if you are counting:). This is titled Cry of the Wylde but it could very well have been titled The Blessed P-RIDE. So without wasting any more time, let’s rock!
Now to set this scene up, I am using Zakk Wylde’s Orange and Black Buzzsaw guitar ( my personal favorite!) on a half pipe skateboard ramp with three feet of vertical and a brass slide. I am practicing my Off the lip into the fire hole dancing skateboard maneuver while trying to play the lead to Gary Rossington’s FREE BIRD. It is actually hard to do and I have yet to pull this one off. For this conversation, Chief Crazy Captain Christo is disguised as The Blessed Orange Wood or BOW for you shorties out there. And Zakk Wylde is having his name changed to kWy. It is a bold move for Chief Crazy Captain Christo to call Zakk kWy but that is why he is the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo.
OK now on with the show. Enter Zakk Wylde
kWy: Hey Chief Crazy Captain Christo, you pissed off the Pope again!”
BOW: What?( Rob Zombie’s song Thumpin in Chief Crazy Captain Christo’s ear phones)
I can’t here you Zakk.
kWy: I said you pissed off the Pope again! The Pope was pissed that you sided with Americans
and that Rome could go suck an egg! He wants an apology before midnight tonight or else he said he was going to send over the ROMAN candles that you sent him.”
BOW: The Pope says he wants me to apologize before midnight tonight? Hey Zakk what day is it today?”
kWy:” It’s January 14th , 2010″
BOW:” Let’s see. What is so special about this day. Don’t tell me Zakk let me guess.”
kWy: ” It’s….”
But before Zakk could finish the sentence Chief Crazy Captain Christo blurted out
BOW: ” I know it was the day Ozzy pissed on the Alamo down in San Antonio which was kind of a freudian slip on Ozzy’s part since Tony Iommi is mentioned in another Pumpkin Letter. Am I right Zakk?”
Dejected, Zakk slumped his shoulders as if a terrible weight was thrust on them and he slouched toward the door. A tiny tear developed on Zakk’s left eye and was about to fall when out of the blue and over Zakk’s right shoulder came floating on the wind the immortal words of Chief Crazy Captain Christo…..
BOW: “HAPPY ORANGE LABEL YELLER BACK IN BLACK LABEL ETERNAL.”
Zakk Wylde’s emotions got the best of him. He turned around and looked. A sight for sore eyes beheld a sight he would never forget. There on the skateboard ramp was Chief Crazy Captain Christo holding a picture of Dimebag.
BOW: ” Happy Birthday Zakk. What you did for Darrell there are no words from me that could show as much respect or appreciation. So today on your birthday, let’s finish the job for Darrell. Will you help me organize a little get together down in Dallas on say Super Bowl Sunday in Dallas? I am writing you in advance because I want you and Rob Zombie and Everyone you guys deem worthy of what I would call THE GREATEST ACT OF RESPECT ever assembled. I will put my ASS on the line and help out in any way possible. After all, I am Chief Crazy Captain Christo and I came to Rock and Roll. If this will be my professional debut, then so be it.”
kWy: ” Who are you Chief Crazy Captain Christo? Some kind of God or something?”
BOW: ” No quite the contrary. I am a blessed Halloween Knight and I will not apologize to the Pope on your birthday Zakk. He is going to have to wait in line like everyone else. Now listen here Zakk, we have no time to lose.”
This has been another abbreviated version of The Great Pumpkin Letters. Stay tuned for more in 2010!
Cocaine Super Party
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